Do you have a phobia?
For some it could be heights, closed in places, spiders, snakes or even needles. I have actually had a strange phobia since a child. I am terrified of veins. Yes, veins…I hate the thought of anything going in or out of my veins. When this does have to occur, my most common response is crying, hysterically, hyperventilation and passing out. Let me tell you how frustrating I am to doctors and nurses who have the joy of treating me!
But with as extreme as this phobia is, I have found I have an even more paralyzing one: my fear of
failure.
I had no idea this was such a stronghold for me until I went through some major events in my life that pronounced my failure.
I first have to start with my two strongest desires and wants. Since childhood I have always
wanted two things:
1. To be thin.
2. To be a mother.
So, I now share my personal turmoil with you. I don’t share these things because I have a
need to share all the details of my life with the whole world or for acknowledgement. In fact, I would like NOTHING more than for no one to ever know these things but the Holy Spirit has
shown me that others may need to hear this story and that healing can come through sharing it.
First, I have struggled with my weight my entire life and even though I have had some success with diets, I could never get to my goal weight. So I decided to make a huge decision and have weight loss surgery. My insurance didn’t cover it so I had to take money out of my retirement
fund to pay for it. I knew this was a sacrifice but knowing that I would be thin and healthy seemed worth it. About 2.5 years ago, I had my surgery. For those of you who know me, you are
probably surprised because I look no different today than when I had the surgery. That’s right…it didn’t work.
My doctors have no idea why. I’m the slim percentage of people who don’t lose weight. I even saw some close friends have the exact same surgery with grand success. So my question was “Why God!?” “Why can’t I be thin?!” “Why did you create me this way?!” “Why am I the exception?!”
Then, recently I have struggled with wanting a child. Rich and I started trying to get pregnant
over a year ago. Every month I wasn’t pregnant was huge letdown. I was getting
depressed but was trying to trust God. THEN, about 3 weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test and it was POSTIVE! I was so incredibly happy. I couldn’t believe it! I began picking out names, looking at baby stuff with Rich and planning a future. THEN…I had a miscarriage…
I was (and still am) devastated. My questions were “Why God?!” “Why would you have me wait all this time, to just take this child away from me?!” “Why can others get pregnant so easily?!” “Why
would you give healthy children to those who you know will abort and not give me a healthy child?!” “Why can’t you give me ANYTHING I pray for?!”
My miscarriage happened this past weekend so the wound is still very fresh but the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me this whole time. (even through my anger with Him.)
So have I failed? Yes. But does the make me useless, broken or damaged? No. The Lord brought to my mind these Scriptures:
“When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” Mark 2:17
“For all have fallen short of the glory of God.” Rom 3:23
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matt 11:28
What I never realized is that failure is normal. It’s a part of life and should be expected. God doesn’t expect perfection, he expected us to sin and fall short. If not, we wouldn’t be in need of a Savior!
I sometimes feel that God didn’t care and wasn’t there. Why would He let these things happen to me when I saw others not have to deal with these things? But then I began thinking…what about all the questions I have NOT had to deal with, like:
“Why did my husband cheat on me?”
“Why did my husband, mother, father have to die?”
“Why did we have to lose our home?”
“Why can’t I find a job?”
“Why can’t I find someone who loves me?”
“Why did I have to go through sexual abuse?”
“Why couldn’t I have had a happy childhood?”
“Why did I have to struggle with a learning disability?”
“Why did I get cancer?”
“Why was I born in an improvised country?"
As I pondered all the things I DID NOT have to go through, I began praising God instead of yelling at him for the things I did go through. We all have different things we have walked through, fought and lost, and even failed at.
I now see that I can get through those things because I’m not alone. Not only do I have INCREDIBLE friends, family and a husband who pray for me but I have a Heavenly Father than
has never left nor forsaken me. In the middle of my grief, I am reminded of the night when I realized there was a God of the universe that actually loved and cared for me! Many people do not truly understand Christianity. They have seen a lot of people abuse God’s name in order to do and say hurtful things but the TRUTH is that it is about a relationship with a God who sees your grief, failures, and sins and still loves us enough to die for us.
I know that I can walk through this pain and my uncertain future (for I may never realize my two biggest desires) but I do know that my God knows what I need and will help me through it. It that, I’m grateful. So I trade in my failure for a future. The future God has for me because it is
better than anything I could dream or desire…
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the
Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jer. 29:11
I have found the most comfort in this time to speak with others who have gone through similar situations so I welcome those of you have walked this road to teach me the wisdom you have learned. And my desire is to do the same for others through my testimony. I know this road
is still very long and many days of tears are in my future but at least I know who holds that future!
